So, it’s ‘been a while’, huh? Is she mad at you? No? Is she mad at anyone else? Not really? Is she irritable? Is she stressed out? What have you done to relieve her stress? There’s nothing you can do because it’s all work related? Preposterous!
Everyone knows that the best stress reliever is a spectacular orgasm. The endorphins, the exercise… pretty much everything about it screams stress relief (quite literally). So why is it that when your wife is *the most stressed she’s ever been* she’s not in the mood? It makes no sense!
1. Does she feel sexy?
Of course she does! You think she’s the sexiest woman on the planet! That’s why you married her for crying out loud! You think about her every second of every day, and not in a G-rated sense… so of course she feels sexy, right?
Is there a new buxom blonde strutting around her office? Did she just go shopping and realize that the size of clothes she’s been wearing lately doesn’t necessarily fit when she tries them on in the store? How’s the lighting? Did she just eat a box of cookies and is now feeling the spectacular guilt that comes with ten minutes in the mouth, ten years on the hips?
Never assume that your wife knows how sexy you think he is. She doesn’t. She may believe you when you say it – but that doesn’t mean she agrees with you. Women are complicated creatures, and it takes a lot more than a quick one-liner to undo all of the boxes of cookies and buxom blondes in the world. Asking your friends to tell her how sexy she is won’t work either. She’ll think they’re just being nice – no matter how honest they are when they say it.
Another thing that WILL NOT work is getting angry or frustrated at her for not believing you when you tell her how sexy you think she is. Feeling guilty for feelings you can’t help is NOT sexy.
This is a tricky one. Be creative in non-sexual ways of showing her that she’s sexy. Compliment her a lot, but not too much, or she’ll think it’s a trick. With patience and practice, you’ll figure it out.
2. Does she feel useful?
There is nothing worse than going through a fully crappy day at work, and then coming home to a landfill-pig-sty. Going through the list of things that need to be done to the house can keep a woman preoccupied forever if not remedied. She can’t even think about what to do in the bedroom if the house is being buried in worldly possessions and garbage, and she won’t understand why you can… The only thing that’s going to get her mind off of the crap in the house, and on to you – is if the crap in the house is under control.
Take the time to clean up a room (without her asking you to). She probably won’t notice what you’ve done (so don’t go asking for praise), but the stress she feels will ‘inexplicably’ be lighter.
3. Does she feel important?
With the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy to forget the important things. Remember when you were first dating, and there was more to talk about than work, money, and children? Remember that one of those things was HER?
This is more than just asking her how her day was. This is about genuinely caring about her. Things she wants, things she likes, etc. What sort of things does she do to treat herself? Does she go for mani/pedis? Does she have a specific restaurant that she chooses when she needs to cheer herself up? Is there a certain food you make that always makes her feel better? What about a bubble bath?
Set something up for her so that she can get what she normally does to de-stress – without having to do any of the prep work. Have her favorite restaurant deliver. Schedule a mani/pedi, and drive her there. Treat her to a home-cooked meal when she doesn’t expect it. Run a bath for her, light some candles, bring her the softest towels, and leave her alone to sit and relax by herself.
4. Does she feel loved?
This is a hard one. Similar to the ‘sexy’ thing, this one probably feels like a no-brainer, but isn’t. The counter-intuitive answer is separating love and sex for her. Dedicate an entire evening to her. Give her a massage, rub her feet, gently caress her hair until she falls asleep. Don’t let her ‘take care of you’. The act of doing something for her with no expectation of reciprocation is the most loving thing you can possibly do, and will do wonders for her ability to be ‘in the mood’.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that this will pass – eventually. Be patient, and understand that she isn’t choosing to ignore you. Someday, she’ll come back to the Land of the Living and be your wife again. Do what you can to make this stressful time as easy for her as possible, and she’ll make it up to you when she realizes everything you’ve done for her.
About the Author: Abby Dryer's goal in life is to bridge the communication gap between men and women. She finds herself giving lots of marital advice to her guy friends whose wives don’t want to have to explain *everything* to their husbands. “Women are hard to understand. I’m a woman, and *I* don’t even get us sometimes! Goodhusbanding is a great guide to help men understand their women, and hopefully communicate with a little more confidence, because that’s what works… communication!”