Disclaimer: If you’re one of those rare princes who NEVER sprinkles when urinating and already cleans the toilet, then hats off to you. Continue on to another informative article.
The other day, I heard my friend’s husband say “I take out the garbage. My wife cleans the toilet. Sounds fair to me.” Yeah, it is fair, until you realize that the vast majority of men and boys turn into oscillating sprinklers while urinating, which causes the job of cleaning said toilet to include the floor, walls, sink if it’s close enough and occasionally the ceiling.
As a woman, I don’t understand the male need to use his phallic squirt bottle to create yellow spin art on every surface in the bathroom. Yet, each week, I spend a couple of hours scrubbing Rorschach patterns of urine that my husband and sons are blissfully unaware that they created. “What’s that smell” has become an unfortunately frequent game in our house. And yes, I’m always the only player, hunting like a blood hound for the puddle of pee that missed the toilet bowl altogether and has dried into a nice rusty orange coating in a nearly impossible to reach patch of linoleum.
So, this site being a primer for husbandly best practices, visited by discerning husbands who don’t want to turn into Homer Simpsons, it’s only appropriate to offer a lesson in how to clean the toilet. Put these step-by-step instructions to use on a weekly basis, and you’re assured to enjoy more sex and less nagging.
What you’ll need
- Toilet cleanser (any brand is fine)
- Rubber gloves
- Toilet scrub brush
- Spray disinfectant cleaner
- Cleaning rags
Step One: Close the lid and flush the toilet. If you’ve never flushed one before, then you’ll need to locate the silver handle on the front or side of your tank. Got it? Good. Now press it down. This action gets the sides of your bowl wet. (It’s the equivalent to stepping under the shower head before using the soap. It’s just easier to lather when you’re wet. Your toilet bowl feels the same way.)
Step Two: Apply the cleanser. These come in powders, gels and sprays and they’re all roughly the same. The choice is yours. Sprinkle, squirt or spray your cleanser, starting under the toilet bowl rim. It’s important not to miss this area. It’s a haven for germs and disgusting black mold. If this mold goes long enough without being scrubbed away, it will spread throughout your entire toilet. Legend has it, this mold can also seep into your exposed hind parts, causing them to rot off in extreme cases.
From the rim, continue adding cleanser liberally around the bowl.
Step Three: Use the toilet brush (not your wife’s tooth brush) to scrub, scrub, scrub your toilet bowl to a porcelain sparkle. Once you’re done, your bowl should contain no grungy rings, mold or slime and you should be able to see your reflection in the water.
Step Four: Just as important as cleaning the inside of your toilet is cleaning the outside. That’s where most of the splatters go. Pay particular attention to the underside of your toilet seat. Its stains can offer clues to many digestive problems from the past if not scrubbed frequently.
Liberally spray your cleaning rag with bathroom cleanser. Starting at the top of your tank, wipe the entire exterior of your toilet. If you’re most disgusting than average, you may need three or four cloths, replacing them as needed. Spend extra time on both sides of your toilet seat, the lid and especially the base.
One thing’s for certain, a few times spent cleaning the latrine will tame that urine sprinkler of yours and make your wife a happy woman.
About the Author: Angela is an award winning humor columnist, freelance writer and public speaker living in Middle Georgia, and the San Francisco Bay Area. She uses her keen insight and clever wit to help husbands understand the complex mechanisms that are their wives. “I like to think of goodhusbanding.com as an owner’s manual for the average wife. Of course results may vary, but we’re all fairly similar whether we admit it or not.” Angela uses her background in psychology, the myriad of learning experiences offered through her ten year marriage, and input from her “in the trenches” audience members across the country as input for her articles.