ME: “Honey, what are you thinking about?”
HUBBY: “Oh, nothing.”
ME: “You have to be thinking about something. Your mind can’t just be blank! Now, really…what are you thinking about?”
HUBBY: “Honest, I wasn’t thinking about anything. My brain was on the static channel.”
ME: “I seriously find it hard to believe that you’re thinking about nothing, but if you insist on evading my questions with BS answers, then FINE!”
ME: “Are you mad at me? That’s why you’re acting this way, isn’t it. It’s because I forgot to pick up your shirts from the cleaners. Look, I’m sorry. Yesterday was a long day. I had tons of stuff to get done and I just didn’t make it over there. You don’t have to pout about it.
HUBBY: (chewing handful of corn nuts) Honey, it IS possible for me to be sitting here peacefully thinking nothing at all. My brain does that sometimes. I wish yours did too.
To 99.5 percent of the female population, the prospect of thinking about “nothing” is as doable as urinating on the ceiling (another impressive male talent). Rather than an absence of mental activity, we’re more often plagued with 27 different thoughts and ideas all competing for cerebral bandwidth. Even when all is calm, our brains are deftly planning, coordinating, asking “what-if,” making shopping lists, worrying about the kids, matching clothes, questioning the sincerity of others’ compliments, deciding what to make for dinner, assessing our bodies and redecorating the living room. Just like the human heart never stops pumping blood, a woman’s brain is perpetually churning out thoughts…for better or worse.
My friend Ken says that most men’s brains respond mainly to food, sports and seeing something naked. (Hopefully that something he refers to is of the human female variety, since this is a wholesome, marriage oriented site.) “It’s true, we’re just really simple creatures, who like to keep things that way. I go for long periods of time without one single thought. Luckily my organs haven’t shut down yet.” says Ken with a chuckle before zoning off into a stupor that only this month’s Penthouse can revive him from.
Since it’s so difficult for women to fathom thinking about nothing, I think that men shouldn’t try to force the concept on us. Rather than say “nothing” when we ask, tell us what we want to hear. If you have no clue as to what that is, simply keep this article handy and use one of the lines below. If it doesn’t make your wife happy, maybe it’ll just confuse her, giving her yet another thing to think about.
1) I was just thinking how pretty your skin looks at night after you clean your face. You really are radiant if I haven’t ever told you before.
2) I was just thinking that we should probably cuddle more before going to sleep. I love having my arms around you.
3) I was thinking about how good your shrimp fajitas were last night. You are such an incredible cook.
4) I was thinking that it’s been a long time since you’ve been shopping. Wanna take the MasterCard for a spend?
5) I was wondering if you have any chores I could do around the house this weekend. Do any pictures need hanging? Or want me to paint the bedroom?
6) I was thinking what a lovely creature your cat, Fluffy is. “C’mere, kitty, sit in Daddy’s lap!”
7) I was just wondering when the next series of Real Housewives is coming out. I sure do miss that show.
8) I was thinking how lucky I am to have such an awesome wife who’s also my best friend.
9) I was just remembering that I need to go put the toilet seat down and a new roll of toilet paper on the holder.
10) I was actually wondering what you’re thinking about.
Filed Under: Wife Questions
About the Author: Angela is an award winning humor columnist, freelance writer and public speaker living in Middle Georgia, and the San Francisco Bay Area. She uses her keen insight and clever wit to help husbands understand the complex mechanisms that are their wives. “I like to think of goodhusbanding.com as an owner’s manual for the average wife. Of course results may vary, but we’re all fairly similar whether we admit it or not.” Angela uses her background in psychology, the myriad of learning experiences offered through her ten year marriage, and input from her “in the trenches” audience members across the country as input for her articles.