Oh crap. You’ve screwed up again. How can you be back in the dog house when you just got out? What did you even do this time? Sometimes it’s not worth the energy to try and figure out why she’s muttering “I’m Fine” through gritted teeth.
Maybe you didn’t compliment her new hairstyle, or you jokingly held your tape measure across hear rear end. Maybe you’ll NEVER know what it was. Rather than racking your brain and focusing on the negatives, use one of our “sure-to-make-her-forget-why-she-was-angry” methods for exiting the dog house. How long you stay out, of course, is up to you…and her ever changing set of rules.
1. Fix something around the house. You know there’s something she’s been asking you to do, that you’ve been putting off for the last three years. Hang that pain-in-the-neck portrait above the fireplace, re-caulk the bathtub, finish painting the bedroom, fix the garbage disposal, blah, blah, blah. She’ll be so thrilled that you’re actually completing the project, that she’ll forget what she was mad about. (Of course, there’s always the chance that she’ll get mad all over again because it took you so long to do the darn thing in the first place. If she has a particularly good memory, you may end up with two strikes against you.)
2. Give her the remote control. And at least pretend to be interested in whatever she’s watching for more than five minutes.
3. Offer to help her in the kitchen or with whatever she’s doing. Many wives are used to cooking dinner alone, while hubby is comatose in his recliner watching Sports Center. Get up off your duff and take an interest in what she’s doing, even if you consider the activity absolutely pointless. You have no idea how much we appreciate your attention.
4. Write something sweet and sincere on her Facebook wall for all her friends to read.How many wives wish their husbands, the ones who think FB is stupid, would take a quick moment and write something sweet on their wall? Something like “Hey Honey, I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you.” As women we love for others to see how adored we are by our men. Just make whatever you write sound real, and not like a Hallmark card gone wrong.
5. Sincerely admit that you’re stupid. The dialog goes something like this. “Honey, you know that I’m obviously lacking in the brain cells department. I’ve clearly done something to upset you. Or maybe it’s something I didn’t do. Heck, I don’t know. But I do know that I don’t ever try to upset you on purpose. Sometimes I can be really stupid and self-absorbed and don’t consider your feelings. Whatever I did, will you forgive me?” Women should say this just as much as men. Seriously!!!
6. Hit yourself…HARD! Watching her husband exaggeratedly pelt himself in the face a few dozen times repeating “I’m stupid!” can be very healing for an angry wife. You should try it sometime.
7. Make her laugh. There’s no other way to get a woman to stop dwelling on how rotten you are than to do or say something utterly ridiculous! Perform your Donald Trump impression, dance around with her panties on your head, tickle her until she pees on herself or run headfirst into the bathroom door, just to give you a few ideas.
8. Clean up one of your messes. If you’re like a lot of guys, you have a week’s worth of beard shavings in the sink, brown swirl marks in the toilet, or a pile sweaty gym clothes in the bedroom floor that flies have taken a liking to. Take the time to clean that crap up!!! She’ll notice, I promise. If not, approach her and say something like, “Honey, I was going to wash a load of clothes, what setting should I use on the washer?” She might suspect that you’re trying to get back in good graces, but be really appreciative that you’re at least trying.
9. Buy her something. If she’s used to being lavished with gifts, this might not have as much effect. But if you’re one of those guys who only goes to dinner if you have a coupon handy, then take a few minutes and run to the store. Buy her a cool, vintage necklace, a pot of hydrangeas to plant in the yard, or some addictive Lebanese soap. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just something to show her you care.
10. Give her what she wants in bed (and you know what I’m referring to). There’s really nothing a woman loves more than to be pleased sexually. You might have to wait until the right time or place, but it’s guaranteed to provide at least 15 seconds of blinding bliss as well as a get-out-of-jail-free pass. What the hell! It’s worth a try!
Filed Under: In Trouble
About the Author: Angela is an award winning humor columnist, freelance writer and public speaker living in Middle Georgia, and the San Francisco Bay Area. She uses her keen insight and clever wit to help husbands understand the complex mechanisms that are their wives. “I like to think of goodhusbanding.com as an owner’s manual for the average wife. Of course results may vary, but we’re all fairly similar whether we admit it or not.” Angela uses her background in psychology, the myriad of learning experiences offered through her ten year marriage, and input from her “in the trenches” audience members across the country as input for her articles.