Most husbands have a strong appreciation for their wives’ girlfriends. The more close pals she has means the less obligation you have to play the part of girly companion and intimate confidant. This translates into less time listening to the details of her latest feud with her mom and being dragged mercilessly through Nordstrom with a plastered grin of surrender on your face. Which, in turn, equals MORE time spent with your own friends in the man cave or sitting comatose in the recliner watching SportsCenter. No doubt, in marriage, girlfriends are a win-win.
No matter how much you appreciate your wife’s gal pals, in relating to them, there are certain rules, STRICT rules, that you MUST obey. Failure to comply with them can result in endless verbal torture at best, and losing half your estate and child custody at worst. Of course, there’s also the threat of dismemberment or murder. But we’ll further address these dangers in another article specifically dealing with women’s scorn.
Okay, onto the rules about your wife’s friends, presented in no specific order. You’ll want to post these in a highly visible place for easy reference.
- DON’T STARE AT THEM!!! If your wife is attractive, then chances are her friends are too. In case you didn’t notice, women are highly competitive, insecure and emotional beings. Jessica, an old college roommate who Dear Wife loves like a sister can instantly transform into Public Enemy Number One if she see you looking too closely at her. If Wife happens to notice you ogling Jessica’s breasts, legs, rock solid abs or derriere, she has the right to use any accessible method to permanently blind you. She will probably also unfriend Jessica on FaceBook and other social networking sites.
- DON’T TALK TO THEM TOO MUCH!!! Okay, Mr. Congeniality, they’re HER friends. Not YOURS. If you’re having dinner with Wife’s BFF and date, then your job is to converse with the date all night long, even if the guy is a comatose deaf mute, who’s been confined to a hospital bed unaware of his surroundings for the past 20 years. Go ahead and be pleasant to the female counterpart. Make limited small talk, but end it there. Engaging your wife’s friend exclusively in a conversation lasting more than 90 seconds will undoubtedly result in a three month sex fast for you and having to listen to passive-aggressive comments like “I guess you find Amanda more interesting than me. You sure did have a lot to say to her last night.” Even if you and Amanda just found out that you have the same birthmother, the rules of nonengagement still apply.
- NEVER CALL OR TEXT HER FRIENDS!!! An innocent text letting Melanie know that her favorite band is playing next Friday night can lead to the kind of familiarity that eventually results in having your penis severed with a pineapple corer. We’ve seen it all too many times. If you have a message for Melanie, be safe and send it through your wife. The only exception to this rule is if you need to contact Wife’s friends to solicit gift ideas or plan a surprise party for her. You’ll win points for going the extra mile. But be sure to keep transcripts of all texts and conversations. They’re admissible in court.
- NEVER TOUCH THEM!!! This includes greetings like hugging and kissing on the cheek. A hearty “HELLO,” accompanied by a wave (even if you’re two feet away from her) will work nicely. No matter how drunk and unsteady Jessica becomes on a night out with everyone, it is NOT your job to support her. Leave that to the other drunk broads. If Jessica happens to start hugging on you, telling you how great you are, assume a miserable facial expression and politely redirect her affections. Under NO circumstances should you do ANYTHING to cause your wife to think that you enjoy Jessica’s physical contact. Husbands have been dismembered and buried in shallow backyard graves over lesser crimes.
In summary, the wedding ring on your finger doesn’t make you a eunuch. We know you’re horny. That’s what strippers, the internet, and other strangers are for. Leave our friends ALONE!!!
About the Author: Angela is an award winning humor columnist, freelance writer and public speaker living in Middle Georgia, and the San Francisco Bay Area. She uses her keen insight and clever wit to help husbands understand the complex mechanisms that are their wives. “I like to think of goodhusbanding.com as an owner’s manual for the average wife. Of course results may vary, but we’re all fairly similar whether we admit it or not.” Angela uses her background in psychology, the myriad of learning experiences offered through her ten year marriage, and input from her “in the trenches” audience members across the country as input for her articles.